Influence and persuasion

Tim Roberts explains why learning to influence and persuade more skilfully is a vital competence, which people complicate unnecessarily, and the need to be skilful in how we offer ideas and advice and be able to deftly identify and smoothly move past obstacles

The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines “influence” as the effect of one thing on another/moral ascendancy or power; and “persuade” as cause someone to believe/convince/induce.

I regard influencing as gently shaping, and persuading as a
more visible pushing, toward a goal that we select as important. Excessive or morally bankrupt shaping or pushing is coercion. The dictionary definition of coerce is to persuade or restrain by force.

We meet and work with such an exciting variety of people.
Each individual brings with him or her fundamental differences as to how he or she views the world and how they make sense of communication.

We’re all aware of the outer differences, such as language
and skin colour, but it is often the inner differences that we
don’t appreciate and which derail communication.

For example, we all have different worldviews and personal
styles, such as our thinking and learning preferences. In addition, we all have differences in our values, cultural biases and the company we feel most comfortable in.

Even if two individuals come from the same background they
will probably experience differences in their expectations of the
same situation. These differences, although exciting, can also cause tensions and mismatches in our communication.

This all means that we need to be very skilful in how we offer
ideas and advice. It’s wise to be able to deftly identify and smoothly move past any obstacles that arise from these differences.

Anxieties
Anxieties are the root of all defences. Many of us want to
protect ourselves from anxiety and confusion. We need to know that we are safe and that our worldviews and our style are serving us well – and capable of keeping us safe.

For these reasons we tend to focus on those things that are
immediately important to us, and which have the potential to
cause anxiety if we can’t address them satisfactorily. Once we have reassurance that these key concerns are being met, then we can relax and consider alternatives.

Put simply, a powerful influencer can identify and move past
differences while offering reassurances that smooth anxieties.

Rapport is crucial
Rapport is an important element in the structure of influence. If we have rapport we can more easily identify with concerns and aspirations of the other parties.

Essentially, the simple rule of rapport is that most people
like other people who are like themselves in some significant
way. So, when we unconsciously adopt similar body language to someone we enjoy talking with, we are sending an unconscious message through our body language that says: “I’m like you – you are safe with me.”

Skilful influencers consciously adopt body language, voice
tones and other ways of acting that communicate to those
around them: “I am like you and you are safe with me.” When we maintain rapport we can more effectively influence
and persuade.

When we break rapport we subtly trigger feelings of anxiety in the other parties and they are less likely to want to be influenced or persuaded by us.

A way of maintaining rapport and influencing or persuading is
to match, pace and lead.

Match
We match when, metaphorically speaking, we stay where the
other is and empathise with what they experience as true for them (you do not have to agree with their view and you do not have to stay here long).

You may reflect their concern, for example. You may only
need to do this for a couple of minutes before rapport is strong
enough for you to move to the next step. Or, in some situations, you may need to match for weeks until there is sufficient trust for you to progress.

Pace
When we pace, we follow at the same speed and then sensitively move ahead. Think of a pace runner for an athlete. The pace runner goes in the same direction at the same time and perhaps, initially, at the same speed as they warm up before gently easing ahead very slightly to stretch the athlete.

In influencing, we find small or subtle ways to shift the focus
of the person we want to influence while making sure we still
have rapport. Think of this in terms of taking baby steps while
holding their hand, or walking on rice paper without tearing it.

Lead
This is straightforward – literally. When you judge the rapport to be strong and the moment to be right, move them forward towards the desired outcome. Consider the two following stories to explain match, pace and lead:

Example 1
A young woman is about to give birth and is very anxious about
her ability to look after her first baby when it arrives. She refuses to walk into the maternity ward and “freezes” by the doors.

Rather than being dismissive, the midwife spends time
exploring the woman’s concerns and empathising with her fears
without minimising them. When the details of her fears are
attended to (matched) the mother begins to calm down.

Then the midwife talks about the birthing process (pacing)
while checking that she still has rapport. Finally, the midwife takes the mother-to-be by the hand and walks her into the ward (leads).

Example 2
An entrepreneur has built up an internet-based fashion business and is about to sell it. These are the final negotiations to agree a price. The entrepreneur meets with her potential buyers and she speaks first.

“We first met in September, when Marie (entrepreneur smiles
at the potential buyer called Marie) came to one of our fashion
shoots and you were very excited about the products and the potential, weren’t you Marie? (Marie nods.)

“Then all of you visited our London studio and, as I recall,
not only did we have a good initial meeting but we had some
excellent sushi (they all nod). The following January you had
your accountants review our books and you explored the huge
market potential that our products have (more nods).

“Then I met with Laura (entrepreneur smiles at the potential
buyer called Laura) in March (Laura smiles). In light of how
impressed you were with our fashion lines, how excited you
are about the product potentials and market forecasts for the
future when you own this company, I think you’ll agree that
£85 million is a fair price.”

After this introduction a negotiation phase follows and a
sale price of £78 million is agreed – considerably more than
the entrepreneur was hoping for.

Personal development
Spend a few minutes reviewing match, pace and lead until you are comfortable with the concepts. You’ll find that in your successful influencing experiences you intuitively followed this pattern.

Think of an example when someone has matched, paced
and led you, and/or when you have matched, paced and led
someone else. What exactly happened? How did it feel? What was the result? (The start of a romance is often a great place to spot smooth influencing skills).

How will you more effectively use match, pace and lead from
this moment on? Choose a specific situation that you will face
and make a detailed plan. Script, rehearse and visualise how this will play out (remember to keep your integrity in mind at all times).

How negotiators use match, pace and lead
Many negotiators use “feel, felt, found,” which is a form of
match, pace and lead.

For example, when they hear an objection the negotiator might
say: “Yes, actually, many people feel the same way as you do. You may be surprised to hear that I felt the same way too but like all our clients, I found that... (leads).”

How will you use feel, felt, found? Remember to be specific.
Build key sentences and testdrive these on your partner(s) and seek their feedback to help you shape your delivery so that it
is even more compelling.

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